Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
