im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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