so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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