Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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