Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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