You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You made out with two different species that night
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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