clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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