There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize