When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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