theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
