Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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