My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
