So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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