Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
