I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize