my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize