Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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