may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
So vagazzling was a success
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
