I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
home. puking in laundry basket.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
