I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
