Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
