my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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