six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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