i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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