I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
