theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
