The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
