You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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