I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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