May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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