even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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