I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
