Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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