every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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