im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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