I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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