I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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