I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
