Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
