i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
