At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
