If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
