I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
