My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
