I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
