i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
