you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize