I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
