forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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