I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
