My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Randomize
