mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
