last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
