Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
