Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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