Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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