my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
