Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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