I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
