I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
